It’s finally that time.  I never thought this day would come, and neither did most of those who know me.  After four years at Auburn University (following two years of college at various other institutions), I will be walking across the stage this Saturday to hopefully receive my college diploma (my finance grade isn’t in yet).  It is a time like this when I need to look back over my college career and come to realize the lessons I’ve learned during my tenure as a student.  After all, what use is college if I take nothing with me when I’m done?
• Just because a class doesn’t require attendance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show up.  Professors know when you’re there, and more importantly, when your seat’s empty.  If you go to class every day and try to somewhat exert yourself, it really is difficult to fail that class.  When you’re studying for an exam, rather than having to teach yourself an entire unit, you can look at your study guide and say, “Oh yeah.  We went over this in class.” Plus, you might as well get used to it.  Life as a member of the work force isn’t nearly as accommodating to missed days.
• I learned the proper method of writing a paper:  It only took me one night to write any paper.  It required one Adderall-fueled all-nighter (which I will get to later) and a slight amount of preparation.  You need to have two topics/theses ready for your paper.  Then you spend three hours accumulating sources and organizing them into a well-structured paper.  You then spend seven hours typing, and viola, you have a paper!
• Never take Tums with Adderall.  Tums coats your stomach and does not allow the Adderall to work.  If you take both during the day, and you continue taking Tums throughout the day as well, the Tums will wear off around ten that evening, and then you will be awake for the foreseeable future.
• You should never allow your birthday to pass without some sort of celebration.  You have an exam the next day?  You should have taken care of that at the beginning of the semester.  Whenever you begin a new class, look at the syllabus.  Then you say, “Dr. Such-and-such, I looked over our class schedule and couldn’t help but notice that we have a mid-term scheduled on Friday the 17th.  I will actually be out of town that weekend because my sister is getting married…in Seattle.” Done.  You’re welcome.
• TAKE A ROAD TRIP SOMEWHERE OVER TEN HOURS AWAY!!!  The most critically important part of college is arguably the road trip.  Again, with a little planning and discussion with professors (see above bullet point), you can have a self-made six-day weekend for you and your friends to drive anywhere in this country.  I’ve taken three road trips to Chicago to see Cubs games, and I recommend you do the same…considering the directions are “Take I-65 N until it dead ends, then hang a left.”
• When fleeing the bicycle cops from the downtown area, removing your clothes does not make you more aerodynamic (or at least not enough to equal out the intoxication) and is another violation of the law.  Believe you me: you don’t want to be handcuffed nude by a grown man dressed like a bumblebee.
• Take advantage of full-day parties.  Mardi Gras, St. Patrick’s Day, and the night before dead day are always reasons for downtown bars to open at noon.  That’s right, noon.  There’s no better feeling than sitting at the bar at 2pm with a drink in your hand and not feeling like an alcoholic.  Brings you back to gamedays.
For those of you arriving in Auburn as future students, heed my above warnings.  They may save you in the end.  For those of you still here as students, refer to this article as a checklist.  These are the things that helped make all six years of my college experience worthwhile (and last six years instead of four).  I will drop in every now and then and lend you my words of advice.  But until then, it’s been a hell of a ride, Auburn.  Until next time, have fun, and don’t get caught.