Tim Time

I finally did it

2008-05-05T20:21:00Z

It’s finally that time. I never thought this day would come, and neither did most of those who know me. After four years at Auburn University (following two years of college at various other institutions), I will be walking across the stage this Saturday to hopefully receive my college diploma (my finance grade isn’t in yet). It is a time like this when I need to look back over my college career and come to realize the lessons I’ve learned during my tenure as a student. After all, what use is college if I take nothing with me when I’m done?
• Just because a class doesn’t require attendance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show up. Professors know when you’re there, and more importantly, when your seat’s empty. If you go to class every day and try to somewhat exert yourself, it really is difficult to fail that class. When you’re studying for an exam, rather than having to teach yourself an entire unit, you can look at your study guide and say, “Oh yeah. We went over this in class.” Plus, you might as well get used to it. Life as a member of the work force isn’t nearly as accommodating to missed days.
• I learned the proper method of writing a paper: It only took me one night to write any paper. It required one Adderall-fueled all-nighter (which I will get to later) and a slight amount of preparation. You need to have two topics/theses ready for your paper. Then you spend three hours accumulating sources and organizing them into a well-structured paper. You then spend seven hours typing, and viola, you have a paper!
• Never take Tums with Adderall. Tums coats your stomach and does not allow the Adderall to work. If you take both during the day, and you continue taking Tums throughout the day as well, the Tums will wear off around ten that evening, and then you will be awake for the foreseeable future.
• You should never allow your birthday to pass without some sort of celebration. You have an exam the next day? You should have taken care of that at the beginning of the semester. Whenever you begin a new class, look at the syllabus. Then you say, “Dr. Such-and-such, I looked over our class schedule and couldn’t help but notice that we have a mid-term scheduled on Friday the 17th. I will actually be out of town that weekend because my sister is getting married…in Seattle.” Done. You’re welcome.
• TAKE A ROAD TRIP SOMEWHERE OVER TEN HOURS AWAY!!! The most critically important part of college is arguably the road trip. Again, with a little planning and discussion with professors (see above bullet point), you can have a self-made six-day weekend for you and your friends to drive anywhere in this country. I’ve taken three road trips to Chicago to see Cubs games, and I recommend you do the same…considering the directions are “Take I-65 N until it dead ends, then hang a left.”
• When fleeing the bicycle cops from the downtown area, removing your clothes does not make you more aerodynamic (or at least not enough to equal out the intoxication) and is another violation of the law. Believe you me: you don’t want to be handcuffed nude by a grown man dressed like a bumblebee.
• Take advantage of full-day parties. Mardi Gras, St. Patrick’s Day, and the night before dead day are always reasons for downtown bars to open at noon. That’s right, noon. There’s no better feeling than sitting at the bar at 2pm with a drink in your hand and not feeling like an alcoholic. Brings you back to gamedays.
For those of you arriving in Auburn as future students, heed my above warnings. They may save you in the end. For those of you still here as students, refer to this article as a checklist. These are the things that helped make all six years of my college experience worthwhile (and last six years instead of four). I will drop in every now and then and lend you my words of advice. But until then, it’s been a hell of a ride, Auburn. Until next time, have fun, and don’t get caught.

Two weeks left…

2008-03-27T18:23:00Z

Two weeks from this evening, the greatest show on television will be returning. That show is “The Office.” Michael Scott and the gang will make their triumphant return to the office of Dunder-Mifflin to deliver the funniest mishaps on television. I have been deprived of pranks on Dwight and Andy that range from a take on Pavlov’s dog to encasing office supplies in jello to hiding a cell phone in the ceiling. I want to watch the train wreck that is the relationship between Michael and Jan. I miss Kevin’s laziness, Stanley’s condescending remarks, and Creed’s outright creepiness. Tune in to NBC on April 10th for the return of NBC’s Thursday night comedy spectacular.

Has spring sprung?

2008-03-26T19:24:00Z

With the weather seemingly clearing, it’s time to begin enjoying springtime. As soon as I finish this posting, I plan to immediately go outside and do exactly that. Granted, as a ginger I heed to be cautious when out in the sun, but it is 72 degrees outside right now. As I speak. I will get burned for weather like this. Just consider my frail skin a sacrifice to the gods so that they continue to bestow us with beautiful weather. If such should happen, you may ask yourself, what should I do? Here’s a few ways to njoy your afternoons and weekends. You can go the the fields on S. Donahue, south of the Student Medical Center. Let the dogs run around. They are the ultimate ice-breakers. And I’m not just talking to the guys. There are plenty of you ladies going out to the field to meet some nice boyfriend. Bring dogs. My dog likes your dog, then I like you. He speaks for me. You don’t have a dog? Well then try a chlorinated swimming hole, aka pool. With beers and bathing suits, it’s hard to keep the sparks from flying. If you have any suggestions for something to do on such a nice day, feel free to post a comment.

Spring has sprung

2008-03-12T19:13:00Z

Despite the fluctuations in weather, Spring has obviously sprung. Step outside. The weather is gorgeous. As I sit inside typing this, I urge you to get out there and enjoy this beautiful weather before it snows again. You may be thinking aloud, “Well gee, Tim, what should I do?” Well, I have several answers:

Take your dog to the park. Don’t have one? Steal/borrow your neighbor’s. Dogs are almost as much of a social lubricant as booze.

Go golfing. I’m just now getting into it. It’s a game where you expect to do poorly, but if you hit a certain shot, it will make your day.

Go jogging. Be healthy. When has that ever hurt?

Get a pickup softball game. It always involves fun and drinking whether your good or not.

There are hundreds of other things you can do. Get out there and enjoy this weather. Do something you love, but do it outside.

Just hold steady

2008-03-11T17:59:00Z

Spring Break is almost here. The anticipation is palpable...literally. I can taste some high-class Vegas martinis already. But I’ve got a test in two days. Many of you may find yourselves in the same position I find myself: the inability to concentrate on schoolwork due to the anticipation of Spring Break. I don’t know how to exactly correct this as, to be honest, I really haven’t fixed my problem, only curbed it. I find it nearly impossible to just completely forget the upcoming vacation. Just think of yourselves as in middle school. Remember when you had that beach or ski trip that your friend invited you to attend along with his or her family? Remember what your parents said when you asked if you could go? “Only if you keep those grades up.” That’s how you’ve got to inspire yourself. Tell yourself that you won’t be allowed to go on this trip if you come out of that exam with anything less than a passing grade (I don’t set the bar high, and it’s really, really hard for me to put it to the back of my mind). Keep at it, Auburn students. Spring Break will be here soon, but classwork and exams are here now. Let’s knock it out. Spring Break will mean that much more if you have to accomplish something to get there, believe me. Until next time, have fun and don’t get caught.

Trying to move on from a tragedy

2008-03-06T21:17:00Z

Surely by now you all know of the terrible tragedy that is the shooting death of Auburn student Lauren Burk. From her friends’ accounts, she was a fun-loving young woman that lit up the room whenever she walked in. She is a great friend to these people, and this tragic loss is one that they will never forget. However, there is something we all can do. There will be a vigil service held on campus in her honor tonight (Thursday the 6th) at the campus chapel. If you have any information about her murder, be it just a hunch, please call the tipline at its local number (501-7337) or its toll-free number (888-522-7847). The governor’s office is offering a $10,000 reward for information leading to the capture of the person who cut short such a beautiful life.

Lauren’s picture from her senior yearbook

A mustachioed update

2008-03-03T19:15:00Z

Many of you may have forgotten about my investigative pledge to not shave my upper lip for the entirety of lent. My facial resurgence still rages strongly, for those of you still interested. You see, I still have what some can roughly call “a beard”, kind of like how some people call “Daddy Day Camp” a “film.” Regardless of the patchiness, there is facial hair on my face (redundant enough?), and the most consistently growing patch is that which rests upon my upper-lip. Soon it will be time. Soon the beard comes off, but the moustache stays. God Bless Freedom!

I am ready for my moustache!!

My world

2008-02-29T19:42:01Z

In another attempt at being some sort of an investigative journalist, I have decided to apply to be a roommate on the next edition of MTV’s “The Real World.” This will be a grassroots campaign, seeing as I do not have the face or figure of your typical Real World roommate. But if we get enough votes, I think we can do this. I have decided to appeal to them by telling them I have a drinking problem and “daddy issues.” I am at a life’s crossroads, etc. First I need to make a tape to submit to them. I need the help of you, the reader, for ideas of what exactly I should do. Please feel free to post a comment on this blog with any of your ideas. With your help, I can be the new guy with the drinking problem.

It’s a good movie rush

2008-02-28T20:32:00Z

It’s a good time to enjoy movies. The Oscars were last weekend. “The Darjeeling Limited” came out on DVD this week. “Semi-Pro” opens in theaters tomorrow, as does “City of Men,” the sequel to my favorite foriegn film, “City of God.” “Into the Wild” comes out on DVD next week. You’ll never again hear me say this, but there’s a horror movie I’m looking forward to seeing in 2 weeks: “Funny Games U.S.” with Tim Roth and Noami Watts, which is basically supposed to be a darkly comic horror movie. All in all, we have a good batch of movies to hold us over until the summer blockbuster movies, so dig in and enjoy. Oh yeah...that and there’s now penny beers at Bourbon Street from 7 to 9 so you can slap on a good buzz for cheap before going to see a movie.

Trailer for “Funny Games U.S.”: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808279/trailers-screenplay-E34965-314

My dreams are shattering

2008-02-27T21:21:00Z

In an interview with CNBC, Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell admitted that he would not hesitate to sell the naming rights for Wrigley Field. The team and the stadium are on the market, but separately. He plans to sell the two to different bidders. For those of you who don’t know, I have been a lifelong Cubs fan. I broke my hand after the Bartman incident. I take road trips to Chicago every summer so see a few games at Wrigley, but soon I may not be able to do so. He wants to rename Wrigley. What the f-ck!!!!! Are you kidding me? It’s like trying to rename The United States of America. We’ve been able to make fun of our cross-town rivals, the White Sox, because they did exactly that: they sold out their field-naming rights to U.S. Cellular. My only hope is that Mark Cuban purchases the team and field. He is a man who is a true sports fan, and I feel he would recognize the honor that the field’s name holds. Please buy the team, Mr. Cuban. Don’t let my dreams die...or at least win a World Series while you’re still playing at Wrigley Field.

How to get away

2008-02-25T18:36:00Z

With Spring Break quickly approaching, you’d better have plans. As for myself, the city a la sin is my destination. The Diamond in the Desert. That’s right, folks. Fueled by the Thompsonian gonzo journalism that helped me get this job, I will fully immerse myself in the culture that is Las Vegas. Some of you may be thinking, “Hmm, that sounds fun!” It is! And it’s cheap! That’s right! How much would you spend on pre-partying and the bar in a night at Spring Break? Some people spend close to $100. In Vegas, you just gamble at the slot machines (some of them have a 99% or higher success rate--if you gamble $100, you are guaranteed to come out of it with at least $99) and have your drinks comped. Then you co to nightclubs with drink specials, like The VooDoo Lounge, which, if booked in advance, offers a $60 open-bar ticket with front-of-the-line admission. And yes, to them it will just be well drinks. However, to them, well drinks are made with Jack, Crown, or SKYY, so you’re doing alright. Some of you may be thinking, “Well there’s no way I can afford the hotel and airfare.” Yes you can. I have several friends who are spending much more than I am to go four ways on a beach house. I’m splitting a suite at the Stratosphere (looks like the Space Needle in Seattle) with a friend for four days and three nights. Including round-trip airfare out of Atlanta, it costs under $450, with tax included. And it’s only that expensive because we’re staying through the weekend. If you travel there Monday through Friday, it drops below $400. If you have a gambling problem, then no, this is not a trip for you. If you can go and just enjoy yourself, play some slots, meet some showgirls, and stay out of prison, then come join me. You’ll probably be able to find me passed out at one of the tables at the Stratosphere.

An up-front view of Stratosphere Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas

A true feel good story

2008-02-25T18:09:01Z

For those of you who did not watch this year’s Academy Awards, you missed quite a show. Jon Stewart was on cue as the host ("The Oscars are eighty this year, which automatically makes them the frontrunner for the Republican nomination"), the Coen Brothers finally won big (and did they ever), and Ben Affleck was completely left out of it. His younger brother Casey was nominated for a best supporting actor award, while his wife Jenninfer Garner was there in support of her film, “Juno.” Where was Ben? Probably at home drinking and smoking pot, slowly coming to the sad realization that Damon wrote “Good Will Hunting,” and all of the talent in the family lies in his younger brother. Hah!
But none of these even begin to hold a flame to the greatest story of the evening. Irish folk singers Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova won the Academy Award for best original song with their song “Falling Slowly” from the film “Once.” The film was a quasi-autobiographical account of the long road they traveled in an attempt to succeed as musicians and artists. Made for less than $100,000 (that’s like building the Sears Tower with Lincoln Logs), the film was proof of their determination to succeed, and also proof that anybody can do anything if they just try. I don’t usually get all hokey like this, but theirs is a story I will not soon forget.

Live Performance at the Oscars:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLJobVC7uR4

Oscar Acceptance Speech (Wait to hear what Jon Stewart says at the end):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pe5ybN3eh-A

The anticipation is killing me!

2008-02-22T20:05:00Z

How do I wait any longer? It’s impossible!! These are the thoughts running through my head as you read my words. You see, some extremely exciting events have been planned that I find it very difficult to sit back and wait. I’m throwing a party tonight. We’re having kegs of Stella and 420 (If I know you, you’re welcome to come. If I don’t, find somebody who knows me). I’ve got friends coming into town for this party, and I can’t wait to see them. How do I kill the time on a short-term basis such as this one? Well, considering one night of anticipation was already passed by cleaning my house, I’ve got to find some other way to pass the time. As the proud owner of a 5-month-old puppy, a good way for me to pass the time is to take him out to the field. Use him as bait in the grand fishing trip that is dating. He’s got tricks. Oh man, does he have tricks. Unfortunately, the weather does not permit such outdoor activity. Having recently invested in an XBox 360, I choose the video game route (bowls help). Choose a game that is head-to-head and has short rounds so you can switch things up. Halo always works, as do various sports games. Football games easily run up an hour a piece, and while that does chew up more time, it becomes easier to grow tired of playing the game. I have grown fond of EA’s NHL 2008. A head-to-head game usually runs around 20 minutes, and you can even rotate competitors each period. Want to spice it up a little bit? Make it a drinking game. Examples of rules for drinking NHL 2008: 1) Player scored upon drinks until the next face-off and cannot bring it about, otherwise he/she finishes his/her beer. 2)If your player is knocked to the ice, you drink for 5 seconds. You have to do it on the spot. These can rack up while you drink, so hurry up and get it done. 3) If you lose a fight, drink 20 and wear some sort of dunce cap. 4) If you get shut out, shotgun a beer.
It’s that easy. Just know what sort of big events happen in a game, and give/recieve for that event. Until next time, enjoy the weekend, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Bear with me…

2008-02-19T21:22:00Z

As a feature for thecornernews.com, I go around downtown and parts of campus to ask you, the reader, how you feel about certain issues. And I ask the hard-hitting stuff, like “Where are you going for Spring Break?”, “What’s your favorite cartoon character?”, or “If you could have a beer with a celebrity, who would it be?” Apparently my questions are intimidating people, because it often takes around an hour to get five answers...on a good day. If you see me on campus with a camera and asking people if they want to be on the internet, I am asking you to be on THIS website. Don’t be afraid, especially considering I will soon be shaving most of my facial hair, leaving me with a moustache and one question: “You wanna be on the internet?”

The Valentine’s Day Massacre

2008-02-18T19:44:01Z

Over the last several days, I have been hearing Valentine’s Day stories from friends about what they did for their significant other and what was done for them. Some of the actions worked so well that they were immediately followed with coitus (that means sex). Others didn’t pan out so well. Not sending the right kind of flowers or picking the wrong meal are just a few of the V-Day screw-ups I’ve heard. When a lot of time and effort is put into such a project and it doesn’t pan out, it feels pretty bad to have wasted the energy and money on something that quite simply did not work. It is for those people whose Valentine’s Day didn’t work out that I write this article. In fact, it’s not so much an article as it is a short story. I am writing a fictional account of what I feel is the worst Valentine’s Day ever, so you can look at this and feel better about yours.
It all began the morning of the fourteenth. James awoke to his alarm blaring, as it apparently had been for the past twenty minutes. He was late for his exam. James shuffled out of bed, grabbed the first clothes he saw, and took off for class. While driving to class, he began to itch uncontrollably. Looking down at his own body, James realized that he was wearing his girlfriend’s bedazzled blouse that she had left over the previous weekend. He realized that if he turned back and changed into something more fitting (in both size and cultural acceptance) he would maybe get a total of ten minutes of test taking time. He swallowed his pride, went in twenty minutes late, and failed the test, as the sequins caused him to itch uncontrollably throughout the exam period.
He returned home to find his girlfriend, Jan, waiting for him. He was greeted with a “What the f-ck are you doing in my favorite blouse? You’re stretching it out!!! Take it off NOW!!!” He responded with, “Baby, I’m sorry. I slept in and I--” “I don’t give a f-ck!! Take it off NOW!! You are ruining my favorite blouse!!” As he struggled to pull it over his head, she started slapping his torso, which was already raw from his incessant itching. “Fine, take the damn thing!!” he yelled. “Thanks for ruining my morning!!” she retorted. “I was going to give you anal!” she added as she walked out. As James normally did to blow off steam, he took an aluminum bat to a heavy punching bag. Unfortunately for him, he let a bit too much steam out, knocking the bag off its support and onto his entertainment center, breaking it and everything on or in it.
It required several bowls and beers to settle James down, but it finally worked. He gathered himself and started to prepare. Once everything was settled, James’ phone rang. It was Janet, Jan’s roommate (It’s confusing, I know. Just stick with me). “Did you really just get your girlfriend a teddy bear for Valentine’s Day? Have you ever heard of flowers, you cheap a—hole!?!?” “Janet, I get her flowers every year,” James replied, “and she said she didn’t want any this year. I thought she’d like the bear. It’s bigger than her!!” “Are you f-cking retarded? Every girl wants flowers for Valentine’s Day! All it meant was she didn’t want roses again. She is in tears. The f-cking teddy bear won’t even fit in the door! Fix this!” Back to the bowls and beers for James. A few minutes later he was on the phone with the florist, fixing the previous problem. He took Jan the flowers, helped them get the bear through a window (quite a feat, considering she lives on the third floor of her apartment complex), and went back home to begin preparing dinner.
Dinner was meant to be a surprise. After seeing a romantic meal made on the Food Network, James looked up the recipe online and began preparing shrimp scampi with red bell peppers sliced into hearts atop the food. He had done so because he remembered how much she loved shrimp scampi when he took her on their first date…to Red Lobster (you ask why this is going awry?). Jan was to meet James at his house to “go out to eat” and was thrilled to find the plates already filled with the delicious shrimp pasta dish. They began eating their delicious meal. Jan began the conversation with, “I’m so sorry about earlier today. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just been a bad day for me. I got a bad grade--” It was at this point that her monologue was interrupted by a rather violent coughing fit.
“Are you okay baby? You want some water?” She rose her head back to eye level, only to reveal to James that she busted a blood vessel in her left eye. James tried not to draw attention to it, but the best he could do is, “Oh my God, did that hurt? I mean the coughing, not your eye…because your eyes are beautifu--” “What happened to my eye?” She pulled out her makeup kit and dropped her jaw in horror. She also began to sweat rather profusely. “What the f-ck?!?! Can nothing go right today?!?!” Her sweat began melting the makeup off her face, revealing a patch of hives that began to break out on her forehead. “What was in that?” He began going through the list of ingredients, but when he reached the bell pepper heart, she opened her eyes to the point you’d think they’d actually fall out. “I’m allergic to peppers!!! Are you f-cking stupid?!?!?” He ran to her car to get her medicine, came inside, set her on the couch, and began to care for her. “I’m sorry I blew up at you again baby. I know you haven’t done this on purpose. And you’ve set all of this up for me. Once this passes, I need to repay the favor,” she said, winking her devilishly red eye at her mate. After she said this, James looked down at Jan. “Baby, you need to rest. We can catch up on that later.” Considering her face looked like she was present for the opening of the Ark of the Covenant, he was in no rush for intimacy. “Don’t you think I’m pretty?” she asked. She went and looked in the mirror in the bathroom. She returned, weeping. “You won’t sleep with me because I look like a zombie,” she pouted. “No, baby. You…look…good.” The upward inflection of his compliment showed that his words were not exactly truthful. She stormed out of the house, never to speak to James again…for three days.
If you feel your V-Day didn’t work out too well, at least it wasn’t this bad.