http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/news_to_me/ News to Me en anthonydannar@gmail.com Copyright 2012 2012-05-23T21:43:33+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/clowns-protest-nato-summit/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/clowns-protest-nato-summit/#When:20:43:33Z Clowns protest NATO summitThousands of protesters flocked to Chicago last Sunday in protest of the two day NATO summit. Most were anti-war hippies, others were wallstreet haters, and for some odd reason a small group were dressed up as clowns. A group called ClownBloq joined the party, Sunday, in protest of NATO ‘s war policies. I’ve always said the one way to bring people to your cause is to convince them that you don’t take it seriously. "Hi, kids..I'm Genocide the Clown!" ClownBloq organizer Jose Whelan crystallized the group’s mission statement by saying that the protest is “both a joke and NOT a joke.” So in other words the group is a joke. I just hope the clowns didn’t antagonize the Chicago police, because I'm pretty sure a taser to the groin is a cop’s version of a pie to the face. Plus, it's far more hilarious 2012-05-23T20:43:33+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/smartphone-users-suffering-from-smartphone-face/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/smartphone-users-suffering-from-smartphone-face/#When:10:04:51Z Smartphone users suffering from "smartphone face"If your one of those people who is constantly staring at your iPhone or Droid you might be noticing some small changes. First, you’ve probably noticed you’re losing all your friends, because instead of congratulating them on getting married at their wedding you’re in the corner playing angry birds. Also, you might be noticing your face is trying to escape your skull. A condition called 'smartphone face'. Plastic Surgeons say "smartphone face" is created when users sit and stare at their smart phone for hours. This apparently shortens the neck muscles and increases the gravitational pull on the jowl area, leading to a drooping jawline and causing the facial skin to lose its elasticity. So in ten years, we could all start looking like stroke victims. Or like this guy Plastic surgeons say the chin and jawline are among the first areas to show signs of ageing, and the more you stare down at your smartphone the faster you’ll start looking like your glanced at the Ark of The Covenant. Who would have thought staring at a 6inch screen for 13 hours a day would have negative side effects? 2012-05-19T10:04:51+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/the-day-after-mothers-day-is-the-busiest-day-for-cheating-wives/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/the-day-after-mothers-day-is-the-busiest-day-for-cheating-wives/#When:22:13:05Z The day after Mother's day is the busiest day for cheating wivesWhat did you get your mom this past Mother’s day? If your answer was anything other than a dating website subscription you apparently failed at being a good son or daughter. AshleyMadison.com, the online dating site for married people (yes, there is a dating website for married people), says the day after Mother's Day is their second biggest day of the year for new female clients. Who would have thought the thing your mom wanted the most for Mother’s day was a booty call? “You know what I want for Mother’s day?..a new family!” Last year, 24,000 signed up the day after Mother's Day. This year, Ashley Madison is expecting 30,000 new female enrollments. Company reps say the top reasons married women decide to cheat are inattentive spouses, who make them feel unloved, unappreciated or take them for granted. I hate to be a devil's advocate here, but maybe the husbands don’t appreciate their wives because their wives are looking for other men on dating websites? “Why don’t you appreciate me?...and don’t say it’s because I’m cheating on you!” Moms, I understand that some of you have some crappy husbands, but what makes you think you’ll find someone better on a dating website that encourages people to cheat on their spouse? 2012-05-15T22:13:05+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/owner-says-her-pole-dancing-studio-is-haunted/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/owner-says-her-pole-dancing-studio-is-haunted/#When:12:19:55Z Owner says her pole dancing studio is hauntedWhere do ghosts in purgatory go to have fun? They apparently visit pole dancing studios. Why? It's probably the only place where ghosts can go to feel better about their predicament. A Boston pole-dancing instructor says her studio is haunted by multiple ghosts. First of all, I didn't realize there were actual studios where strippers could learn how to pole dance. When their parents said "get an education" I doubt they meant in pole dancing. Pole dancing: worst degree you could get (besides Liberal Arts) Wendy Reardon, of Gypsy Rose Exotic Studio, says it’s the positive energy in the studio that attracts them. I hate to disagree with Ms. Reardon, but when you watch a pole dancer you rarely feel "positive energy." Just sad…hepatitis-like energy. Maybe ghosts are attracted jaundice. Her story has even made it on Montell Williams (the 60 minutes of day time talk shows). Reardon has several photos that she says is evidence of the perverted Caspers. Nice of the ghosts to provide mood lighting. If these are ghosts. I doubt they're attracted to positive energy. The ghosts are probably just attracted to the smell of rotting souls, because most strippers souls have been dead for years. 2012-05-13T12:19:55+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/hooters-honoring-moms-with-free-wings-on-mothers-day/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/hooters-honoring-moms-with-free-wings-on-mothers-day/#When:21:33:42Z Hooters honoring moms with free wings on Mother's dayIf you’re wondering what to get your mom this Mother's Day, why not take her to the one place that will make her regret being a woman. Hooters will be honoring moms this Mother's Day by offering free wings. This is fitting because most Hooters employees are single mothers, and could really use the free meal. "Thanks mom...for failing at your job!" On May 13th, all moms will receive 10 free boneless wings when they dine-in at a Hooters. I can't speak for everyone, but my mom isn't the biggest fan of hot wings, and half naked woman (although I've never asked). 2012-05-10T21:33:42+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/woman-fakes-breast-cancer-to-raise-money-for-implants/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/woman-fakes-breast-cancer-to-raise-money-for-implants/#When:21:07:56Z Woman fakes breast cancer to raise money for implantsIf I’ve learned anything from writing these blogs on weird new stories it’s that there is a surprising amount of people who have less than ideal moral character. Sometimes it’s understandable. They grew up in a tough neighborhood, or went through a traumatic experience that left them mentally scared. Some people, however, are just selfish lying scumbags. A woman from Arizona was recently charged with felony fraud after faking breast cancer to raise money for breast implants. The 27 year-old woman scammed 17 family members, friends and co-workers out of $8,000. Unfortunately, there is no way for her to pay the donors back, because most plastic surgeons don’t have a returns policy. unless you keep the receipt Her dia-boob-ical plan backfired after she turned down an offer from a doctor, who offered to treat her breast cancer for free. I guess she wasn’t expecting a doctor to be so generous. Doctors don’t practice medicine for free. What is this Canada?...or Obama's America? People also noticed something was up when she got the surgery, and her breasts got noticeable bigger which (from what I understand) rarely happens in woman with breast cancer. Unless there is a rare form of breast cancer that I don't know about. “If so, this woman has only days to live” 2012-05-08T21:07:56+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/marvels-the-avengers-the-greatest-comic-book-movie-of-all-time/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/marvels-the-avengers-the-greatest-comic-book-movie-of-all-time/#When:11:14:36Z Marvel's The Avengers: the greatest comic book movie of all time? "Whose turn was it to be funny...again?" I’m the ultimate Marvel fan. I grew up reading the comic books, watching the animated series, and I collect the action figures (I mean I collected them…as a kid) I consider myself very close to these characters and not just because I sleep with them on my pajamas. Everytime I watch a Marvel movie, I am often disappointed, because I expect so much more from the characters. I often think to myself, “Hurry up and get to the action already.” Even in movies like X-Men First Class ( a movie I actually liked) I felt disappointed with the very short climatic fight scene. Don't get me wrong, all action isn't the answer. Just look at X-Men Origins Wolverine. Actually, on second thought, don't look at X-Men Origins Wolverine. Finally, Marvel’s The Avengers is here. It doesn’t just Michael Bay you with special effects or Christopher Nolan you with grittiness. It combines breathtaking action, character conflict, and hilarious one-liners into one large nerd-gasm of a movie. "The New Avengers featuring 'Fat Captian America', 'Ugly Black Widow', and 'Midlife Crisis Hulk'" Every character is fleshed out and has their time to shine. Even the minor characters like Agent Coulson had some memorial parts. I can’t count the number of times the movie theatre laughed out loud or cheered. Marvel's The Avengers is the ultimate Viagra for nerds, and I'm probably going to have to see a doctor, because this nerd-rection has lasted longer than 6 hours. 2012-05-05T11:14:36+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/man-faces-15-years-in-prison-for-throwing-drink-on-taco-bell-cash-regi/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/man-faces-15-years-in-prison-for-throwing-drink-on-taco-bell-cash-regi/#When:10:52:09Z Man faces 15 years in prison for throwing drink on Taco Bell cash registerWe've all been upset about our fast food order before. You order super size-they give you a small. You order a Diet Coke- they give you a Dr. Pepper. You ask for a burger with extra sauce-they give you a burger with a little extra human saliva. It's the way the fast food business works. It's safe to say that most of us have the restraint to keep our overly-sugared beverage inside our plastic cup when we get angry. Well, one man's temper has led to him potential facing up to 15 years in prison. A man from Gainsville, Florida was recently arrested for throwing his soda on a cash register at a local Taco Bell. The drink resulted in $5,000 worth of damage and is considered a second degree felony. It might be a little surprising that damaging a cash registers is considered a felony until you realize that Taco Bell cash registers are so advanced they are considered sentient. “Mr. Cash-0 wants to know if you want fries with that…it also wants to know why it exists?” The man tossed the drink because he was upset about an incorrect order, and is now facing 15-years behind bars. He should have thought twice about damaging priceless Taco Bell technology. He probably would be facing less time if he threw his drink at the cashier rather than the cash register. So what did we learn? If you’re angry about your fastfood order- and want to throw your drink-throw your drink at a person not a valuable machine. 2012-05-03T10:52:09+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/portable-meth-lab-explodes-in-mans-pants/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/portable-meth-lab-explodes-in-mans-pants/#When:11:53:40Z Portable Meth lab explodes in man's pantsI used to think drug dealers where at the bottom of the barrel in terms of intelligence. However, after hearing countless stories of ways drug dealers hide and distribute their paraphernalia, I believe there is a sort of scrappy cleverness that blossoms like a rose from the manure of a criminal’s desperation and fear of going to jail. The Stephen Hawking of meth dealers A portable methamphetamine lab recently exploded inside a man's pants after he was stopped by a state trooper. You might be asking, how did he fit a whole meth lab inside his pants? I’m guessing he was either wearing some very baggy pants, or he found extra room in a dark and personal place. "Sir, is that a meth lab in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" The type of delivery system is apparently known on the streets as the “shake and bake” method. A catchy name. Although, I would have went with the “Chipotle method” because you make it fresh in front of your customers…and the byproduct usually ruins your pants. When an Oklahoma state trooper stopped the suspect and asked him about a chemical smell, he ran. The man was easily caught because his crotch-lab exploded. He was treated and sent to jail. I’m no chemist, but I think the worst place to build a meth lab would be in your pants. It’s not a stable environment, especially if you’re frequently running from the cops. 2012-05-01T11:53:40+00:00 http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/egyptian-law-could-make-having-sex-with-dead-spouse-legal-for-a-short-/ http://www.thecornernews.com/index.php/the_smack/egyptian-law-could-make-having-sex-with-dead-spouse-legal-for-a-short-/#When:12:11:53Z Egyptian law could make having sex with dead spouse legal (for a short time)Cher, the wise half-reptilian philosopher once asked, “Do you believe in life after love?” A question that is so profound that it can only be asked in auto-tune form. Well, Egyptian leaders have taken that question one step further and are asking “Do you believe in love after life.” The Egypt government has proposed a new law that will make it legal for husbands to have intercourse with their dead wives for up to six hours after they pass. Which I’m sure will change most Egyptian wedding vows. “Til death... and an extra 6 hours do us part” The law is called the 'Farewell Intercourse' law, and part of a group of reforms introduced by the parliament that will also see the minimum age of marriage lowered to 13 for girls. So, the Egyptian people kicked out their dictator, won their freedom, and the first law they pass allows men to get it on with pre-teens? Obviously, Egypt isn’t ready for democracy. Maybe that’s why Mubarak didn’t allow his people to vote, because he knew they didn’t make good decisions. "Mubarak! The heart wants what the heart wants!" I should point out that there are conflicting reports implying that this "farewell intercourse" law is not true, and would never be passed. That's not going to stop me from writing about it, though. I'm a comedy blogger. I'm not confined to such archaic ideals like "journalistic ethics." 2012-04-28T12:11:53+00:00