Mariah Carey and thespian master Nick Cannon wed in a private ceremony a few weeks ago, and it was met with a resounding “Ouughhea?” If you can’t tell, that’s Tim Allen’s “Home Improvement” noise.

No one really cared about that wedding, and they called off a second wedding they were planning because, surprise, no one really cared.

Mimi, as she wants to be called, wanted the second wedding to be a multi-million-dollar crystal unicorn extravaganza, and according to MSNBC she “hoped to pay for the wedding ... through the sale of photos. No one was interested.” Story of their lives.

First Heidi Montag was a self-proclaimed savior of women’s lib, and now Tila Tequila thinks she’s a gallant protestor for gay rights. I thought all she did was spread Chlamydia.

The ban on gay marriage was recently lifted in California.

“It is because of me,” Tila said. “I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Just replace ‘same sex relationships’ with ‘herpes’ and ‘legal’ with ‘fun’ and you get an accurate picture.

If you were unfortunate enough to have seen “The Happening” already, I apologize. But writer/director M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t. He knows the movie is bad, but decided to wait until it came out to let us know. If only all mistakes can be covered up this easily!

“I wanted it to be a fantastic, fun B-movie,” Shyamalan said. “The number one thing is I want people to say: ‘That was a really fun B-movie.’ ”

That’s like Britney Spears saying in 20 years of her severely damaged children, “I just wanted them to be fun, crazy kids.”

News flash: Zac Efron does not shower. 12-year-old girls beware!

A source for “Star Magazine” said, “Zac isn’t a big fan of showering. It’s so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time--and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!”

Yes, baby wipes moistened with the tears of the Jonas brothers.