“The only way Auburn will win is if their defense and special teams put the points on the board. Auburns new bend over, SPREAD you cheeks and grab you ankles could not outscore squat. Heads should role at Auburn for waiting the defense they have this year by saddling them with such a pathetic offence.”

If it weren’t true I’d be upset, but I’m just saying, the new bend over, SPREAD you[r] cheeks and grab you[r] ankles line cracked me up. (Note: You will see this again in a post, article or something I write.)
Think about it though, if it weren’t for the defense Auburn would be 1-4 right now instead of 4-1. (Yeah you can send all comments on that statement to me via snail mail or just fill out the comment form to the right.) If you don’t believe me look at the number of points the offense has actually score this season.

Against La Monroe they offense actually scored 20 (14 if you take away the Wes Byrum field goals). The defense scored a TD and Robert Dunn scored on a punt return. So let’s start a running total - that’s 14. Then there’s Southern Miss… The offense scored 21 of the 27 points, but they left another 21-28 points on the field. Two fumbles inside Southern Miss’ 20, an INT on their own 25 and another fumble… but I digress. So 14+21 is 35 points. Then there’s Miss State. I’m not going into that let’s just add the points up. 14+21+3=38 points. Then LSU came to town and the offense scored...14 points, which is amazing considering how good LSU’s defense played that game. I won’t go into how many times wide outs were wide open down the field or the two interceptions that were thrown, (I guess I lied), but let’s see. 38+14 is 52 points in four games.

Then there’s Tennessee, again let’s not talk about that one let’s just add the 7 points the offense scored to the 52 and that’s a grand total of 59 points in 5 games by the offense. Add in the 21 from defense and special teams and that’s a total of 73 points. Now to put that in perspective, Vandy’s offense has scored 91 points in four games. Hell they scored 38 points in one game.

So what’s my point right? If Auburn had say… a defense that played like Arkansas’ who has given up 152 points, force only 5 turnovers and is dead last in opponents 3rd down conversions in four games, then they’d definitely be 1-4.

But Auburn doesn’t and that’s why they’re 4-1, in spite of the new bend over, SPREAD you cheeks and grab you ankles offense. I know, I know, I know, it takes time to learn all the intricacies of a new offensive scheme, but damn, you’re six games in and still struggle!!!!! Kudo’s to the defense and the effort they put in every week, because they sure as hell deserve it. And when the coaches are handing out team awards, all of them should go to the defense. ALL OF THE!!!!!

Auburn’s new bend over, SPREAD you cheeks and grab you ankles offense. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!

I know I shouldn’t revel in someone else’s misery, but I really love to see USC lose. Not because I dislike them, but because they play in a less than stellar conference and are the media darlings. They went from being ranked #3 to #1 ahead of Georgia because they beat Virginia 52-7. SO they beat Virginia (1-2) who as it turns out is the worst team in the ACC. Then they beat an OVERRATED OHIO STATE team (who struggled to beat tiny Ohio University 26-14) 35-3. I’m just saying, they haven’t played anyone.

So the mighty USC goes into Corvallis, Oregon, to take on the unimpressive Beavers of Oregon State. A team that was blown out by Penn State and that also lost to woeful Stanford AND LOSE!!!!! Can you see the smile on my face? Now normally I wouldn’t devote an entire post to a Pac 10 team, but I would be remised if I didn’t point out some glaring issue I saw with “The Best Team” in the nation.

USC’s dominate, stingy defense (adjectives used by the media) gave up 186 rushing yards to 5-6, 185 lbs true freshman running back. Now I don’t know about you, but giving up 186 yards on the ground doesn’t seem very dominate or stingy does it?

And what about that potent, high-powered USC offense? (Rhetorical question of course) They only manage to gain 6 first down and 21 points against an OSU defense that has given up 88 points in its three prior games. Even with that, what about their Heisman Trophy candidate QB Mark Sanchez hmmm… cracking under pressure. Don’t get me wrong I like Mark’s game, I think he’s a better QB than the two previous USC Abs Matt Leinart and John David Booty, but when it counted (in this game at least) he didn’t rise to the occasion. Partly because OSU’s defense just whipped his offensive line and partly because he looked flustered the entire game.

Now just four weeks into the season the great college football debate begins… who’s going to play in the National Championship game. I couldn’t begin to predict who’s going to play in the national championship game, but I do know that after an abysmal performance against OSU it had better not be USC. Why? Three words… Weak conference opponents.

Ok so I’m a little delusional, everyone knows that if there’s any chance for the media to get their darlings in a position to play for the National Championship it’s going to happen. If you don’t believe me, just look and see where they’re ranked next week. I can bet they’re still in the Top 10. But if you ask me they shouldn’t be ranked any hire than the team from the Big Ten (#12 Penn State) that beat OSU.

Ahhh… now that that’s out of my system, congrats to Oregon State they play a heck of a game and beat, not held on as one of the commentators said, USC from beginning to end. Now all I need is for Georgia to beat Alabama and Mississippi State to beat LSU and I’ll be having ‘The Best Week Ever’…

Rk Team
1 Georgia
2 Florida
3 USC
4 Oklahoma
5 LSU
6 East Carolina
7 Missouri
8 Auburn
9 Texas
10 Ohio State
11 Wisconsin
12 California
13 Kansas
14 West Virginia
15 Penn State
16 Oregon
17 Alabama
18 Brigham Young
19 Arizona State
20 Wake Forest
21 Fresno State
22 South Florida
23 Utah
24 Illinois
25 Texas Tech

Now to explain my poll, I have Georgia ranked 1 because that’s where they start and I don’t think USC beating a retooled Virginia team is reason enough to have them jump Georgia. I have Florida second because in both there outings the look like the better team when compared to USC. East Carolina is sixth because well they’ve beaten two very good football teams and deserve it. (Yeah I know some of you are saying both Va Tech and West Virginia are over rated, but they are the class of their respective conferences.) The rest of the poll is pretty self-explanatory though, the only hesitation I had was ranking Fresno State and Wake Forrest.

Just in case you want to see what has me perplexed here’s this weeks AP Top 25 Poll.

Rk Team Prev
1 USC (33) 1
2 Georgia (23) 2
3 Oklahoma (2) 4
4 Florida (4) 5
5 Ohio State (1) 3
6 Missouri (6) 6
7 LSU (1) 7
8 Texas 10
9 Auburn 9
10 Wisconsin 11
11 Alabama 13
12 Texas Tech 12
13 Kansas 14
14 East Carolina 27
15 Arizona State 15
16 Oregon 18
17 Penn State 19
18 Brigham Young 15
19 South Florida 17
20 Wake Forest 20
21 Fresno State 21
22 Utah 22
23 California 28
24 Illinois 24
25 West Virginia 8

So that got me to think about some of life’s other great mysteries. While they may not all be great mysteries, but their are some things that causes you to question them. Like why is it every time a police car pulls up behind you, you have that brief moment of anxiety. Even though you’ve done nothing wrong, for that brief instance your mind begins to run.

Or why is it when guys get drunk they want to fight? I’m not saying every guy, but there are those out there that every time they get drunk they pick a fight. And more often than not, they end up getting the crap beat out of them. On the same note, why are drunk girls so emotional? (I should note here that when I say drunk I mean inebriated to the point that you’re barely standing.)

Moving on, why is it that every time you go to a fast food restaurant and order a meal with extra whatever or without whatever they always mess it up? How hard is it not taking something or adding something to a sandwich?!!!!! So here’s my disclaimer: Not all fast food restaurants are like this,(WHATEVER!) there are some (ONE!) that gets it right. The sad part about this one is even though I know they’re going to jack up my order I continue to patronize them. Not as much as I used to, but I do. It’s like I’m begging to be aggravated.

Okay here’s one for web designers and tech savvy social networking users. Why in the hell do certain Social Networking sites have there own Markup Language? (For the 10 people out there that don’t know that’s what the ML stands for in HTML) Plain on HTML, not good enough for you?

Why do the parking meters in Downtown Auburn only take quarters? What if I’m only going to be in a place for 10 minutes? I have to put a quarter in the meter (which gives me and hour of parking time) so I won’t get that $5 parking ticket for an expired meter.

While we’re on parking tickets., why does the city give you 48 hours to pay the $5 ticket? Now if you don’t pay the ticket in the first 48 (no pun intended for people that watch the show on A&E) they double the price. So if you’re like most people, you forget about the ticket and end up paying $10. So why doesn’t the city just make the parking tickets $10 and do away with the 48 hour grace period.

Still on parking ... WHY do people park in a spot that is clearly marked Leased?!!! Can you not read? Do you not care about the $50 ticket you get for parking there? It happens to us (The Corner Staff) all the time. There’s a reason we pay for those spots, and it’s not so you’ll have space to park when you’re downtown.

Why are political ads always so negative? Even better, why do people allow those negative ads to influence our votes? Maybe it’s just me, but if you want my vote why don’t you tell me how you intend to help our community, state, district, whatever… and stop worrying about what your opponent did, does or is doing.

And while we’re on politics, why don’t people vote? And when I say people, I’m referring to that 18-34 group to which we belong?

And the Coup de Gras… Why, throughout time, have people went to war and committed atrocities in the name of Religion? I could hop on my soap box and go on for days about this but I won’t. 

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: TIM TEBOW & Herschel Walker

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never Broadcast from their campus.

Women’s Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that’s what dates are for.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band...who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it is the state’s third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: “Nice play.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.”

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.”

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week’s game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!

And for SEC Fans:

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer keg the bulb changer is using for a ladder—instead of standing it upright.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “ GO TO HELL, OLE MISS!”

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer’s Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

WHAT?!!!! (Not my first thought, but I’m trying to be a little more PG with my post. I was out last night and a young lady called me out about some of my language in one of my posts.)

So like anyone reading this I have to click to see what in the world they’re talking about. So I click the more button and I get the full headline along and a couple of pictures. (Really didn’t need that visual!!!!!!)

Anyway, if you won’t to see what I had to see (curiosity truly killed the cat) here’s the link.

http://www.wkrg.com/national/article/

Now don’t blame the messenger, blame the 80-year-old stripper and the guy that wrote the story. I’m just saying, how and why did he go and find an 80-year-old stripper?

*My cousin the Alabama fan recorded this one (HA!) And I enjoyed this game immensely because I am and will always be a fan of Sylvester Croom, even though he came into Jordan-Hare last year and handed Auburn their butts. 

{Subject} FW: Add dr. to you name
(Here you can see the abbreviation for doctor is lowercase… It should be Dr.)

{Body of Email} Bacheelor, MasteerMBA, and Doctoraate diplomas available in the field of your choice that’s right, you can even become a Doctor and receive all the benefits that comes with it!
(Don’t know what to say about this one. Bachelor, Master, Doctorate all have double vowels. Don’t let the fact that this is a run on sentence get past you either.)

Our Diplomas/Certificates are recognised in most countries
(What is R-E-C-O-G-N-I-Z-E-D for $1000 Alex?)

No required examination, tests, classes, books, or interviews.

** No one is turned down
** Confidentiality assured

CALL US 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK

For US: (phone numbers)
Outside US: (phone numbers)

(And the coup de gras.)

“Just leave your NAME & PHONE NO. (with CountryCode)” in the voicemail

our staff will get back to you in next few days

WHAT?!

So I’m supposed to call you and leave our name and phone number on some random voice mail so some strange person can call me back in a few days? Come on man, if you’re going to run an effective scam you can at least have live people answering the phone. I’m just saying, who in their right my would respond to this? OK, that was a rhetorical question but obviously someone is because I just got the same email. (It’s been almost and hour since the first at 9:54 AM)

So what does that have to do with me loving Alicia Keys? I’m Just Saying, not many artist of her caliber would even dream of sharing their time in the spotlight with other artist. But not only did she share the spotlight, but it was her idea and she coordinated the entire performance. That’s why I Love Alicia Keys. She’s as genuine a person as her music is. And again, the fact that she’s attractive doesn’t hurt either. (I’m Just Saying!)

Check out here performance here.

To put this in perspective, going into the final round on Sunday, Tiger was 13-0 in majors, 54-3 in his career, when sharing or leading at the start of the final round of a tournament. Just in case you weren’t watching Sunday Tiger had a one stroke lead(2 over Rocco) when he tee’d off Sunday. But Rocco, played his game and through some cosmic forces Tiger lost his lead and had to sink a birdie putt on 18 to force a play on Monday. (Of course he made it) Then again at on the 18th hole of the play off Rocco force Tiger to sink another birdie put to go to sudden death.

Now I don’t know about you, but there aren’t too many golfers that could have stuck with Tiger, bum knee or not, for an 18 hold play-off. But Rocco did, despite Tiger going up by three strokes at one point and making some amazing shots along the way.

But what did Rocco do?

He just continued to play his game and be his happy go lucky self and in the end it took a birdie on 18 to force sudden death. Now if I’m a PGA Tour Golfer I was watching and taking notes yesterday. How do I compete with Tiger? Let’s see, play my game not his. Hit fairways and Greens. And make him make shots. Easier said than done, but Rocco sure did it.

I say all that to say this, despite being the runner-up in the U.S. Open, Rocco Mediate is a winner. He has scores of new fans, the respect of the greatest golfer on the planet, a good chance to play on the Ryder Cup team and that hefty second place check doesn’t hurt either. 

The website (increasingshoes.com/) claims to be able to make you taller (invisibly taller) with it’s shoes. Now I asked my self why in the hell would someone want to be taller, but then it dawns on me, not every one is as tall as I am and they may have a Napoleon complex about their height. (Sorry for being so insensitive to the vertically challenged.) <<< SARCASM ALERT! The way I figure it, God made you the way he wanted you and unless you have a dire need for increased height, then “don’t worry be happy!” (Just in case you didn’t get it or are took young to remember that’s a Bobby McFerrin reference.)

I’m just saying if everyone was built the same life would be a bit boring. Think about it, if all men looked the same (height, size, weight, etc.) and all women looked the same, what would happened if you didn’t like the way the opposite sex looked? WHAT? I just took the long route to saying be happy with you.

UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE!!!!

I’m sorry, I would have to whip his &^%$#@ a**!!!  Take
me to jail, dammit!!!

and here’s the link...

http://www.komonews.com/home/video/18315669.html?t=a&video=pop

Now I need to say that Dan Quayle’s name popped into my head after listening to Tupac’s “Strictly For My N.I.G.G.A.Z."(Never Ignorant In Getting Goals Accomplished for the acronym challenged) CD. So being the semi-history buff that I am (seeing as how I was an inadvertent double major in school and yep, history just happened to be one of them) I started to think about how many Vice-Presidents actually went on to be president. After racking my brain for about a minute I came up with a total of 14. Yeah we’ve had 43 Presidents, a total of 48 Vice-Presidents, and only 14 of them have gone on to become Presidents

Boy talk about a lot of useless knowledge floating around in your head. By the way, only a true egg-head would know that fact and yes I checked my number after I counted and it was right.

On a side note I can’t name all the Vice-Presidents, but I could remember the ones that went on to become President. Don’t know why, I just did. But I digress…

Since in the event of an un-timely death or the resignation of a President, the Vice-President assumes the duties of the president,(Quick how many Presidents have died in office? Name them?) I decided to list the last 13 Vice-Presidents (included Cheney) to illustrate the fact that being Vice-President is the most powerless and obscure position in the federal government. And to show how Vice-Presidents seem to disappear into oblivion, with the exception of a few: Truman, Nixon, Johnson, Ford and George H.W. Bush. Three of the five on that list became president because of a death(FDR and JFK) or impeachment/resignation (Nixon) or whatever you want to call it. As for those that didn’t go one to become president, what did they do with themselves? I don’t know the answer to that question and since I’m not required, I’m not gonna do the research on that. (You can if you’d like to and feel free to post it in the comment section.) I will however give the list of the “almost somebodies.” Other than the five I’ve already listed of course…

Alben W. Barkley (Truman)
1949-1953

Hubert H. Humphrey (Lyndon B. Johnson)
1965-1969

Spiro T. Agnew (Richard Nixon)
1969-1973 - resigned on October 10, 1973 (On a seperate charge 8 months before Nixon)

Nelson A. Rockefeller (Gerald Ford)
1974-1977

Walter F. Mondale (Jimmy Carter)
1977-1981

J. Danforth Quayle (George H.W. Bush)
1989-1993

Albert A. Gore, Jr. (William Clinton)
1993-2001

Richard B. Cheney (George W. Bush)
2001-2009 He won’t be President because he’s not running.

So there you have it… a little bit of the useless knowledge I have a floating around in my head. Oh yeah the answer to the question I asked is eight Presidents have died in office. I must admit I only up with six. I’m just saying I can’t know everything.

Here’s the list: William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, Abraham Lincoln, James Abram Garfield, William McKinley, Jr., Warren Gamaliel Harding, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.